High School Mario! A PARODY
by DestroyerOfWorlds-chan
Summary: After a LONG hiatus from updating, I finally get my lazy ass to upload chapter 2! Oh, and the main character dumbfcks want the best grades. Neat.
1. Chapter 1: First Day, Y'all

**INTRODUCTION **

Mario's High School Days. It is the lowest piece of slime in the disgusting bowels of the dark art known as "fan fiction." If the author, Toasty 64, should happen to be reading this, don't consider yourself insulted; I am the true idiot, for reading such a degenerating piece of what can only be described as crap. It truly brings disgrace on the bright face of Mario. If you would like to ask me if Mario is my favorite game character, I shall respond with a stern "No," and point you in the direction of one Gordon Freeman, of _Half-Life _fame. However, I grew up with Mario, so he holds a special place in my heart (Not only that, I hate Master Chief). And seeing his image mutilated in such a manner makes me sick. Therefore, I have set out to destroy this disgusting thing with my own work, a parody of a fanfiction, if you will. So, uh, here ya go.

**CHAPTER ONE**

**Our First Day! Holy Shit, a new school!**

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is our first day at a new school, and why we're in Japan, I have no fucking idea. Why we came here from Brooklyn is even stranger, seeing as we'd have to fly over the entire country. At least we didn't go the other way. We'd have to go through Amsterdam. Ugh… Anyway, I've got to get to sleep, cause I don't want to be late on my first day!

Luigi.

**SCENE ONE**

**If We're Late, The Teacher Will Wring Our Fucking Necks!**

Morning. Mario is casually walking to school. Luigi is there too, but running instead.

Luigi: Mario! Hurry the fuck up! We've got to get to school!

Mario: Why? Is it all that important?

Luigi: Yes, we need to get there so we can make a good impression!

Mario: Why don't we just say some kids were pulling a Columbine at another school, and we stopped to look?

Luigi: Mario, You can be really irresponsible at times.

Luigi was getting farther and farther away.

Mario: What? Luigi, stop running, I can't hear you! Slow down, you're too far away!

Luigi: Hurry up, Mario! I don't want to get the blame too!

Mario: Speak up!

However, Luigi had every reason to be silent, as the sheer size of his new school is… big

Luigi: Whoa.

Mario: Whoa as well.

Luigi: Well… let's go.

Mario: Um… okay.

Mario and Luigi enter the enormous building.

Luigi: Well, I'm gonna go attempt to find my room.

Mario: In case we don't see each other again, goodbye.

Luigi runs off

Mario: Hmm, lets see, my room is number WTF1. That shouldn't be too hard to find.

Speaker: Attention all students! Classes begin in one minute! All students are required to proceed to their classrooms now! Deadly force has been authorized! No excuse shall be accepted! Resistance is futile! Never question authority! Proceed to your classrooms now! Cogito Ergo Doleo!

Mario: Oh… shit…

With this obscene phrase, Mario proceeded to run around the building in panic, until, after rounding a corner, he ran into none other than the school's local egomaniac, Falco Lombardi. They both fall to the floor.

Falco: Hey, watch where you're going, shithead!

Mario: Sorry, I'm in a hurry. I've got to get to class!

Falco: Don't we all.

Mario: Hey, why aren't you heading to class?

Falco: I've got this deal with the school. I repossess some items, and in return, the turrets don't recognize me. Besides, why should someone as great as me spend their time in a classroom?

Mario: I see where you're going. Well, I've got to get to class!

Falco: Keep it real, man!

With this, Mario heads off to his first class. He makes it in on perfect time.

Mario: Whoa. Just made it.

Outside, Mario hears sounds of gunfire and death.

Mario: Well, first class is self defense. This shouldn't be too bad.

Mario hears a break in the gunfire. Through the sounds of death and dying, Mario's teacher, The Postal Dude, enters the room. He takes out a small device, pushes a button, and the gunfire resumes.

Postal Dude: All right you sons of bitches! This is motherfucking self defense! Today we'll learn how to make napalm!

Mario: Why me?

**SCENE TWO**

**The Amazing Archery Club! And New Characters!**

At lunch time, Mario proceeded towards the mess hall, but soon encountered a large crowd; among the crowd were Luigi and some other guy named Yoshi.

Mario: Hey, Luigi. What's going on?

Luigi: I was about to ask Yoshi here that. What's going on, Yoshi?

Yoshi: That's the archery club practicing. They've got some nice members. There's their captain, Link.

A young guy with pointy ears walked forward with his bow, and faster than you could say, "Wow, he's got some fucked up ears" he shot an arrow right in the center. The crowd cheers.

Mario: Wow, he's got some fucked up (twang) ears.

Yoshi: Yeah, but watch their most popular member, Falco. Biggest egomaniac ever. He'll probably do something even more incredible.

As Yoshi said this, Falco walked forward, and in the blink of an eye, split three targets with three arrows. Crowd is wild.

Mario: Holy……. Shit!

Yoshi: Yeah, I know.

Luigi: Hey, I wanna be in that club!

Yoshi: Um, that looks like a physical impossibility.

Luigi: I still wanna try!

Yoshi: Um, all right, I'll show you where to sign up. But if it costs me my lunch hour, you, my friend, are fair game.

Luigi: … Okay.

Yoshi leads the group to the archery clubhouse. The… um… signer-upper, Saria, is sitting behind a desk.

Saria: More live targets, Yoshi?

Yoshi: Naw, one just wants to sign up.

Saria: What, the green one?

Yoshi: If you wanna call him that.

Luigi: I'm…

Saria: Hey, buddy, your name's right there on the script.

Luigi: Oh, thanks.

Just then, some small, disgusting creature ran into Luigi's leg.

Luigi: JESUS HENRY CHRIST!!!

Luigi draws his "emergency" .44 Magnum.

Saria: Whoa, slow down! That's just Slippy!

Luigi: What, you mean it has a name?

Saria: It also has, or had, a mind.

Luigi: Oh, okay.

Slippy: BLARGH! GLARGH!

Luigi: Um, hi to you too.

Saria: Well, you're up.

Luigi: Oh, thanks.

Luigi walks into a separate room. We hear the sounds of instruction, then sounds of fear, evil laughter, an arrow flying through the air, and then silence. Luigi leaves the room quietly.

Luigi: We never came in here.

Luigi, through some other means which I will not speak of, phailed at life in most of the other clubs, that was until he went to the SPACE CLUB!!! He was soon having his hand energetically being shaken of by the club president… James T. Kirk.

Kirk: So, you, want, to, join, the, space club. Am, I, correct?

Luigi: Um, yeah, sure.

Kirk: Well, then, welcome, aboard. Just, go, talk, to, Fox, over, there. He'll, get, you, started.

Luigi: Uh, thanks again.

With that, Luigi walked over to the second in command of the club, Fox McCloud.

Fox: Hi. I'm Fox. Don't worry about Jimmy, we'll get him fixed up.

Luigi: Thanks.

Mario: Hey Yoshi, do you belong to any clubs?

Luigi: Where'd you come from?

Yoshi: Actually, I am the president of the cooking club!

Mario: FOOD FOOD YUM YUM YUM GOOD! FOOD! ELMER FOOD!

Yoshi: Yeah, that happened to me too.

Mario: How do I join?!

Yoshi: It's easy: buy me lunch, and you're in!

Mario: FOOD! GO BUY FOOD FOR NICE DINOSAUR! FLINTSTONES MONKEY JACKASS! JACKASS! JACKY ASSVILLE!

Yoshi: Um… was that supposed to sound, _remotely_, like Johnny Knoxville?

Mario: FOOD FOOD YUM YUM JOHNNY KNOXVILLE FOOD YUM EAT PAIN!

Mario then opened his mouth, and to everyone's surprise, the opening riff of _Corona_ by The Minutemen exited his mouth.

Yoshi: Does that happen all the time?

Luigi: Actually, it's mostly _Still _by The Geto Boys.

Yoshi: Oh shit! We've wasted too much time! Let's go!

**SCENE THREE**

**The First Confrontation! Mario's Gonna Get His Ass Kicked!**

As Mario, Luigi, and Yoshi were walking to the mess hall, Yoshi quickly stopped them both.

Yoshi: Crap, it's him!

Luigi: Mario's already here, Yoshi.

Yoshi: No, it's him, at the end of the hall! The tall one, see him?

Luigi: Oh, the one Mario's talking to?

Yoshi: Yes, him! That's Bowser, the school "extortionist." Wait, what? Oh, it's just Mario. Anyway, he thinks he's really cool n' all, but he's actually just stupid, and he's got seven little retards that follow him around. Three are with him now.

Luigi: But what about Mario?

Yoshi: He's gonna get his ass kicked. Oh, wait, that means no lunch. Go save him.

Meanwhile, not far away…

Mario: Hey, Fatty! Where's the mess hall?!

Bowser: There are only two men who dare insult me, Chuck Norris, and suicidal men. And since I see no beard, I think you are ready to die.

Mario: Well, right now I just want lunch, so get outta my fuckin' way!

Bowser: I see that your ignorance has blinded your common sense. Little Freakies, say your intro speeches!

Iggy: Anyone who dares insult the master shall die a horrible death! And we will bring that death upon you! Behold my green hair, for I am Iggy!

Morton: We will do more than simply bring death upon you! We will banish you to the deepest circle of Hell! Behold my bald head, I am Morton!

Ludwig: The other Little Freakies are at lunch, so they can't come. I'm Ludwig.

Bowser: Ludwig, do you honestly think you should use your intro speech to tell the guy here that the other freaks are at lunch?

Ludwig: Seemed like a good idea.

Bowser: Wrong! You should never waste an intro speech! It strikes fear into the heart of your opponent and gives you a chance to do cool poses!

Yoshi: I told you this guy's an idiot.

Luigi: Yeah. Cool poses, my ass.

Bowser: Freakies, silence those insolent fools!

Freakies: Super Freaky Flying Summersault!

The Freakies, with Tony-winning choreography, go flying through the air in a very complex attack. Mario holds out a fist, and severely injures them all. They hit the ground whimpering.

Ludwig: I can't feel my spine!

Bowser: You'll pay for that! Burning fire breath!

Bowser shoots out a long stream of flame, but suddenly stops where he is.

Bowser: Dammit! Not lag! Not now! Oh, when my modem clears up…

He is suddenly hit in the legs by three separate arrows.

Bowser: OH, JESUS CHRIST! NO SHOOTING LAGGERS! AH!!! GOD, MY LEGS!!!

Link: Yeah, that's what you get! I'm the best fuckin' archer in this school!

Falco: Hey, man, that's not true! I'm the best! And besides, I get more page space!

Link: Well, the _cool _people don't break the fuckin' forth wall! Wait, what's that?

Falco: What are you talkin' about?

Link: Someone's here. Is that you, Sheik?

Sheik: INFIDELS! FOOLS AND SWINE!

Link: It's you.

Sheik: ALALALALALALALALALA!

Sheik then pulled out a detonator, pushed the button, and exploded.

Mario: Wow. Does that happen often?

Link: Actually, no.

Mario: Well, is that the first time?

Link: Yes, he's dead. And I know who to blame for the detonator…

Just then, one of Link's many, um, _female accomplices_, Zelda, walks over.

Zelda: Hey, Link.

Link: Hi, Zelda. What's up?

Zelda: Well, I just saw that whole fight n' all, and I thought I should tell you, Bowser got away.

Link: Oh, who gives a fuck?

Yoshi: Oh shit! Lunch hour is almost ove—

Speaker: Attention peons! Lunch hour has ended! Head to your classrooms or face the consequences!

Yoshi: Shit. Well, Mario, looks like your MARLON BRANDO chances of getting into the cooking club are over.

Mario: But, if I don't join, I'll die!

Yoshi: Fine then. Just give me a suitable bribe, and you'll be in!

Mario: But what about the turrets?

Nameless Faceless Character: I took care of that! For the rest of the story, there are no turrets! Goodbye!

NFC pulls out a revolver, and shoots himself.

Mario: Well, that's just beautiful. That's just _gorgeous! _A dead guy, great.

Yoshi: Shut up and get me some food!

As Mario and Yoshi walk off, Luigi stays behind to wonder.

Luigi: Why are we in this school? Why?!

Teh End

**PREVIEW! YAY!**

**It's test week, and everyone's racking their brains for the big quiz on Friday. Even Mario seems to have some strange force driving him onward. But what the fuck is it! Find out at the next episode, We Want The Best Grades!**


	2. Ain't Over Yet!

Yeah, it's been a while, ain't it? I know I haven't updated this story in, like, several months, but that doesn't mean I've stopped! Hell no! I'm hard at work, and I've spent several hiatuses debating what to do in the story. It's just that I'm trying to finish the entire story before I upload it. But, whatever. What matters is that I'm still working. I didn't ditch the story like just about every other person who did this sorta thing. I'm working, dammit! Why won't you listen?! WHY?!?!?! So tune in next… whenever for suspense! Thrills! Random character deaths! And every line spelled correctly and punctuated perfectly! In fact, I think I'll upload chapter two as a sign of respect! Yeah! Still!


	3. Chapter 2: The Best Grades

**CHAPTER TWO**

**We Want The Best Grades! The Shit Hits The Fan!**

Dear Diary,

We've actually managed to survive for a few weeks here. I thought after the scene with the shotgun, we'd all end up in front of the firing squad! And I mean the WHOLE FUCKING SCHOOL! Anyway, we're starting exams today, so I gotta go. Bye!

Luigi.

PS: Remind me if life is worth living. Oh, wait, you're a journal.

**SCENE ONE**

"**I'll Give It My All!" What The Fuck Is An All?!**

Lunch hour. Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, and Fox1 are talking about the exams. Or rather, complaining about them.

Yoshi: This sucks! These exams made me do something I've never done before!

Fox: And what's that, Yoshi?

Yoshi: Throw up!

Fox: Holy Shit! You've gotta be sick, man!

Luigi: I'm probably not gonna do so well.

Mario: Yeah, but I shall do the best I can! I plan on putting my full force into passing these tests with flying colors!

Luigi: Oh, great, talking about drugs again.

Yoshi: I think these tests are fucking with my mind. I just heard Mario say he wants to pass a test.

Fox: So? What's the problem with that?

Yoshi: I dunno. Ah, well, it doesn't matter.

Mario: Well, alright then. I expected you to make some long tirade, where I would not interrupt at all, but I guess this is nice.

**SCENE TWO**

"**I Can Make An Exception For You."**

On Thursdays, the volleyball team would practice in the gym. However, no one on the male team actually played, cause it would be retarded. Fox was amazed to see Falco in the gym, attempting to not draw all the attention towards himself.He slantered2 over to Fox, casually producing a towel from nowhere.

Falco: Here, you're sweating.

Fox: No, I'm not—

Falco: Take it or I'm gonna cry.

Fox: Um, alright.

Fox takes towel. God kills a kitten. God realizes his mistake. Jesus eats a monkey. I'm done now.

Fox: Alright, now, let's commence with the long, drawn out introduction.

Falco: Yes, let's… Um, I can't think of anything.

Fox: Doesn't matter. Now, why this interruption?

Falco: I came to see you.

Fox: I can see that from your presence here. Are you expecting to engage in intelligent conversation?

Falco: Indeed, fair colleague. It has come to my attention that you, my dear and closest acquaintance, have been, as you would say, "hanging out," with the most recent additions to our fair house of education and edification. In short, you've been talking to the new kids.

Fox: Fo shizzle, my… um… I can't think of a gangsta version of "eagle." But anyway, yeah, I've been hanging out with them. So?

Falco: That Mario kid has been bragging about how he'll get the highest scores on the test.

Fox: And?

Falco: I don't like it! He's trying to challenge me! He's a big bully!

Fox: Yeah, that's Mario. But how do you think I'm gonna help?

Falco: I want to know his weak points, perhaps an invisible force pushing him forward.

Fox: Yeah, I know, I think he's wants to impress a girl.

Falco: How'd you know that? In the previous scene, you…

Fox: Please, Falco. Fourth wall breaks make me nauseous.

Falco: Sorry. Anyway, who is this girl?

Fox: Some slut named Peach.

Falco: Oh, yeah, I heard of her. Ain't she that girl who thinks everyone likes her?

Fox: Yeah. Well, he likes her. And he's gonna try to get high scores so he can impress her. I don't know why he doesn't just talk to her. She's messed up as it is.

Falco: Well, if he's gonna try to beat me, then the fight is on! The tests are a battle, and in battles there are enemies!

Fox: Enemies? Does this mean we have to be enemies too?

Falco: Haven't you heard of _fuckin' diplomacy? _I can make an exception for you.

**SCENE TWO: Finally, they use the actual quotes!**

Fox: What was that?

Falco: Sometimes the scene headings talk.

Just then, the large and very, very not nice at all coach, Gannon, strode over to the two page stealers.

Ganon: Hey, practice is over! I told everyone to fuck off!

Falco then used his fearsome Lombardi Stare of Death in 3-D.

Falco: Oh, have you got a problem with us being here?

Ganon returned fire with the Deadly Stare of the Disciples of Chuck Norris.

Ganon: Yes, I do.

Falco's jaw drops. He shrivels up into a ball.

Fox: Wow, I never knew you were a disciple of Chuck Norris.

Ganon: Out of fifty, I was one of the six survivors.

Fox: Well, I guess I'm carrying him home.

Ganon: No, I'll throw him.

Fox: Um… All right.

Fox exits the gym. As he's walking away, he sees Gannon throw Falco through an open window.

Fox: Oh man, that was scary…

**SCENE THREE**

**Opponents? We don't need no **_**steenking **_**opponents!**

What Fox only speculated was now news throughout the entire school. Everyone knew Mario was trying to impress Peach. And everyone knew how to get free porn on the internet. Mario can't hide it any longer, so he decides to tell his friends, who respond a little somefing a-like this:

Yoshi: That's fucking stupid, Mario. She's messed up in the brain area.

Luigi: Yeah, Mario. You coulda just asked her.

Mario: Guys, I'm over here. That's a cardboard cutout.

Yoshi: Oh. Sorry. Well, anyway, even though she's so fucked up, she does have one would-be suitor.

Luigi: Wait. Mario wants to impress her, and she also has a would-be suitor? Who the fuck is the idiot?

Yoshi: None other than Good Ol' Fuckser.

Mario: Bowser! I knew there'd be trouble with him! But I shall fight him in the name of true love!

Yoshi: What's that? Some kinda energy drink?

Luigi: Although I agree with you, Yoshi, you can be really cynical at times.

Yoshi: Well, you wanna get into the top ten, huh?

Mario: Yeah.

Yoshi: Well, do you know about this school's grading system?

Mario: No.

Luigi: Ugh, does this mean another explain-it-all monologue, Yoshi?

Yoshi: What do you mean "Another"? They're barely even monologues! Look, this film will show you.

Yoshi sat the ever-eager Mario down on the floor, and promptly pulled a screen, reel of film, and film projector out of hammerspace. Evil, Satanic hammerspace.

Yoshi: Now watch.

Yoshi flipped the projector on, and a venerable old educational movie from the early 50's came on.

Film: So You Wanna Get Into The Top Ten, Huh?

A large humanoid rabbit appears on the screen.

Rabbit: Hello. I'm Peppy O'Hara, and I'm here to tell you how to get into the top ten of your school's grading system!

Mario: Wow!

Peppy: Whoa, indeed! Now then, this famous grading system has been around since ancient Roman times, when Fuckcrates came up with the "Top Ten" grading system.

A man in a toga and a centurion appear on the screen. They speak entirely in Latin. There are no subtitles. Eventually, Yoshi loses his patience, and kicks the projector over.

Yoshi: Alright, screw the video!

Peppy: Fuck the video indeed!

Yoshi: Shut up! Anyway, I'll keep it blunt. The highest scores get into a top ten of sorts.

Mario: Alright, that's easy.

Yoshi: Yeah, but there's competition. There's Falco, and Link, and that Zelda girl, and some otha muthafucka named Toad. Yeah, that Toad gets Number One most of the time. And there's also Wario.

Mario: Who's that?

Yoshi: He's just some rich kid. He probably bribes his way into the top ten.

Mario: Um, alright, I'll watch out for him.

Just then, the poor Slippy ran over to Mario and handed him a note.

Mario: Wow, he's got basic motor skills again! That's an improvement!

Mario looked at the note. It appeared to be some kinda love letter. He opened it. It read:

Dear Mario,

Help! I'm drowning on the roof! Save me! I'm gonna die at 12:00!

Sincerely,

Sven.

Mario: Oh shit! Sven's in trouble! We've gotta go save him!

Yoshi: Relax. Sven said he's not gonna die until 12:00.

Speakers: Attention, worms! We have abandoned the Gregorian Calendar in place of the Hebrew Calendar! It is now 11:59 on Tuesday, Shevat 12. School will be out on the 15th to celebrate Tu Bishvat. Back to work!

Yoshi: Whoa, You'd better go save Sven, Mario—

Like that, Mario was headed towards the roof. However, roofs are not simply places where you go to meet people, and Mario soon found himself in front of a locked door.

Mario: Goddamn fucking piece of punk-ass fucking shit! If you don't open up…

Postal Dude: Hi.

Mario: Oh, um, hello, Mister… um… Dude.

Postal Dude: Ya know, a small C4 charge might be able to open that.

Mario: Really? Could you do it?

Postal Dude: Sorry, all out. But I can kick locked doors open.

The Dude then kicked the locked door open.

Postal Dude: There'll be another door at the top.

Mario and The Dude started walking up the stairs.

Postal Dude: So, you wanna sign my petition?

Mario: What's it for?

Postal Dude: To get whiney congressmen to play violent video games.

Mario: Nah, not right now.

Postal Dude: Come on, give me a fuckin break. Will it be you or your surviving family members?

Mario: Hey, watch it. My dad Vito could kick your ass.

Postal Dude: Just let me open the fucking door, alright?

He kicked open the door at the top of the stairs. Mario ran out shouting.

Mario: Sven! Sven! Oh god, I'm too late!

Postal Dude: Who's Sven?

Mario: … I don't know.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sven isn't here.

Mario and the Dude turned to see where the voice came from. There they saw a tall, slim figure, wearing an Edwardian jacket and bowler hat. It was Wario!

Mario: Who are you?

Wario: My name is Sir Edward Warrington Rothschild Smithson O III. Everyone calls me Wario, but that makes me cry.

Mario: Well, what do you want?

Wario: I have—

Just then, Ludwig rudely interrupted the nice man.

Ludwig: We are here to declare war on you, Mario!

Wario: I wouldn't exactly say _war, _Ludwig, but indeed, we are here to at least threaten you.

Mario: Well, why this break in our time of peace?

Ludwig: You plan to steal Peach away with impressive grades!

Mario: Hey, I never said that! She's fucked up in the brain area! Why would I want her?!

Wario: We digress, Mario. I wish to tell you that I can bribe the teachers into giving me high grades, so I can also bribe them to give you low grades! Ha! Pwned!

Mario then noticed a sleek, shiny thing over in the corner. He then slyly said:

Mario: Well, who exactly do you bribe?

Wario: Oh, just Headmaster Andross. Oh, and by the way, that camera doesn't work! No one knows we had this conversation! Ha ha ha!

Postal Dude: Um, hello, teacher here!

Wario: Oh snap. Oh snap. Oh Pokemon snap. Well, I guess this war is over, with your victory—

Ludwig: Never! We shall keep on fighting until one of us is dead! And that shall be you, Mario! Goodbye!

Ludwig took a small device out of hammerspace, pressed a button, and disappeared.

Wario: Um, listen, I had nothing to do with this, alright? You can squeal on Andross if you want. I don't care.

Mario: Okay, sure.

**SCENE THREE**

**Lies Exposed! Now They Can Get Rid Of The Turrets! Evil, evil turrets…**

(The exams ended, and everyone was waiting for the results. Mario's advisor,

Isaac Kleiner, was busy fumbling through notes, looking for the test results.)

Kleiner: Well, class, before I give you the results, I should tell you that our principal, Andross, has been fired for accepting bribes. In his place shall be Mr. Peppy O'Hara. Now, where are those results? Wait, this whole pile is the results!

(Everyone in the room fell to the floor in embarrassment.)

Kleiner: Wait, what did I say about face faults?

Class: Sorry, Dr. Kleiner.

Kleiner: Well, just come up and find your sheet.

(Everyone walked up to the pile on the desk. There were cries of happiness and shrieks of horror.)

Falco: Well, I did better this year. Got an 86.

Fox: Yeah, that's neat.

Yoshi: Well, Mario, what did you get?

Mario: I got… a Kurt Cobain.

Kleiner: Yes, that one was graded by Jim. You know Jim, right?

Mario: Yeah. So this is nowhere near the top ten, right?

Kleiner: If Andross was still here, you would be shot out of a cannon into a brick wall.

Mario: That sucks.

(Bowser loudly walked over to Mario.)

Bowser: Mario!

Mario: Sigh. What do you want?

Bowser: I'm warning you, if you try to take Peach away from me, I'll twist your head around until it snaps off!

Mario: Thanks, bye.

Bowser: What? You're not…

Mario: Naw, I'm fine. Screw off.

Teh End

**PREVIEW! YAY!**

**Um, yeah, there's this really big festival that the school is doing, and it's a good place to get sponsors. And, uh, Mario might be able to get Peach in the end, m'kay? Yeah, uh, that's the next episode, The Big Festival. Now, uh, fuck off.**


	4. Chapter 3: The Festival

_Hi there. It's me, the author. I'm going to do this on all the chapters from now on. What is this, you ask? Well, it's my impression on what went down in the chapter while I was writing. I'm looking back because I just finished the story. I mean it. I'm fucking DONE! Now I'm just uploading. Anyhoo, I got nothing to say 'cept for that this chapter is kinda sorta mean. Whatev. Enjoy._

**CHAPTER THREE**

**The Big Festival! When Will The Two Part Titles Cease?!**

Dear Diary,

We're preparing for the school festival. It's this really big thing that the school does every year, and it even attracts wealthy sponsors. I don't know what they're sponsoring, though. Ah well, I guess it doesn't matter.

Luigi

**SCENE ONE**

**Preparing For The Festival! The Space Club Gets Fucked Up Even More!**

At a meeting before the festival, Kirk was talking to the members of the space club.

Kirk: All, right. For, this, year's, festival, we're, going, to, steal, the… parts, we, need, for, our, top, secret, machine. But, first, all, members, must be, present. Where's, McCloud?

Fox: I'm already here, Jimmy.

Kirk: Well, that's—

Kirk's assistant, Spock, interrupted.

Spock: Maybe I should take over, sir. Your speaking is highly irregular. Well, anyway, we wanted the Jackass crew here to advertise us, but they used the letter in a different way… but, anyway, we got that Captain Falcon guy here.

Luigi: Who's that?

Spock: It seems he has some children's show.

Luigi: Alright, that's fine.

Spock: And now, we will do the idea drawing. Captain Kirk, would you please give me the hat?

Kirk gave Spock a top hat filled with little pieces of paper.

Spock: And the idea is… a home built spacecraft?

Fox: That's not possible. Building a spacecraft would cost several million dollars, not to mention the fuel prices.

Kirk: It, sounds, like, a, good, idea! Let's, start, building!

Spock: But the festival is only five days away!

Kirk: Then, we, should, get, started, shouldn't, we?

Spock: Yes, sir…

At the music club, things were much more confusing.

Saria: Ha, my warp songs are better than yours!

Zelda: I honestly don't give a fuck. I got over my warp song phase long ago.

Saria: You name it, and I'll guarantee you, it's better than any of yours!

The Cha-Cha-Cha of the Shopping Mall, the Waltz of the Phone Booth!

Zelda: Please shoot me. End the torrent of dumb names.

Saria: Come on, Link, we've got to get to the archery club meeting.

Zelda: It's true! Only God could have stopped that torture! No more atheism for me!

Saria attempted to drag Link away to the archery club, until Link said:

Link: Hey, Saria, stop trying to drag me!

That was a cheap pun. Anyway, when they got to the club, Saria said to the crowd:

Saria: Alright, listen up! The archery club is one of the festival's biggest attractions! So it's good that we have the two handsomest boys in the school—

Falco: Hey!

Saria: Now isn't the time for your ego to interrupt, Falco.

Falco: Actually, I'm much less self-centered now. I just wanted to say to Link that his fly is open.

Link: Oh… wow, thanks, Falco, thanks a lot.

Saria: Now, anyway, we've got a new member of the club. His name is… uh… wait, what was it again… oh, yeah, it's Kiddie Carlos, right?

It was then that a tall, black man in the corner answered. He wore a black suit, and sported a small, black afro and goatee. Jules Winnfield.

Jules: My name's Pit, mothafucka.

(Author's Note: In teh original story, the author happened to include Pit, the main character from Kid Icarus. Only problem was that the author pulled a Captain N. Yes, he called Pit "Kid Icarus." Saria was also so intent on messing up his name, thus creating idiotic, groundless jokes. I replaced Pit with Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction, just cause I felt like it… muthafucka.)

Saria: Oh, sorry. Anyway, we've also got a sponsor this year. It's the

Lon Lon Milk Company!

Link: Got their name cause the owner was drunk.

Saria: So you'll all be wearing their shirts, alright? Good! And we've also got the main attraction: the three Legendary Arrows! The Fire Arrow, The Ice Arrow, and The Light Arrow! With these, we will surely be the star of the festival!

Jules: Just don't get my mothafuckin' name wrong again, mothafucka!

Saria: No problem, Kim Indoorsports!

Jules: I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHAFUCKIN STUDENTS MESSIN' UP MY MOTHAFUCKIN' NAME! PIT! IT'S PIT!

Saria: Um, alright, Pit.

Jules: Oh, please, call me Jules. I'm trying to be the Shepard.

Saria: Um… alright.

(Meanwhile, the cooking club is a scene of pure chaos. Yoshi is desperately trying to keep an army-like feel to the club, but everyone is annoyed by it.)

THIS IS A PARODY! REMEMBER THAT! THIS IS JUST A REMINDER!

Yoshi: All right, troops!

Postal Dude: Oh, come on. Stop it with the military shit.

Mario: What are you doing here?  
Postal Dude: I run around to different classes.

Yoshi: Quiet, you two! Now listen. The visitors will rely on food to survive, so we will provide that food! Private Kirby!

Kirby: What is it?

Yoshi: At ease. I place upon you, private, the job of making the sweets and pastry! And remember the candy man's secret ingredient: cavities!

Kirby: I thought it was love!

Yoshi: What are you, a fag?!

Kirby: No, but I'm not a homophobe!

Yoshi: Sit the fuck down, private! Private Kawasaki! You will handle the oriental food stand!

Kawasaki: What, I have an oriental name, and you instantly think I know how to make oriental food?

Yoshi: That's the spirit!

Kawasaki: …Fuck…

Yoshi: Private Mario!

Mario: Yeah?

Yoshi: Mario, you will be in charge of making the cuisine of your birth country. In short, you will supply us with Italian food!

Mario: Wait, I'm from Brooklyn. I'm just Italian-American.

Yoshi: What, you don't know how to make Italian food?

Mario: I can't make a shit sandwich.

Yoshi: Well, why'd you join the cooking club then?

Mario: I thought I'd learn how to cook in the process…

Yoshi: Ah, well. That sucks.

Mario: Yeah, I know.

Yoshi: Well, we've gotta end this scene on a high note.

Mario: Naw, I prefer sudden endings.

Yoshi: No! We must have a high note!

**SCENE TWO**

Yoshi: Shit.

**Welcome To Our Stand! Wait, Scene Headings Get Stands? Wow!**

**SCENE FIVE**

**Yeah, That's Neat! I Never Knew That!**

**SCENE TWENTY FIVE**

**Shut Up! Get Back To Your Places!**

On the morning of the festival, a large white truck pulled into the fairgrounds. Out came a young girl with brown hair. She headed towards the archery club's stand.

Malon: Um, excuse me?

Saria: Oh, you're from Lon Lon, ain't ya?

Malon: Yeah, I'm here to supply you with the dairy product you know as milk.

Saria: Bring it around the beck. Hey, that brooch you're wearing, what's with it?

Malon: Oh, it's a family heirloom. My parents said it has the face of my future love on it. O'course they were high when they gave it to me.

Saria: Yeah, I know the feeling.

Meanwhile, the cooking club has teamed up with the kendo club for extra profit. The kendo peoples would cut watermelons in half to sell to thirsty passers-by. Unfortunately, the kendo club wasn't well prepared, and the watermelons usually ended up in tiny little pieces.

Yoshi: They suck. The honestly suck.

Meanwhilst, Mario, Kirby, and Kawasaki were in fierce competition for control of the festival's foodnesses ("I make up silly new word." –Jon Stewart).

Kirby: Get yer sweeties! Lollipops, cake, PIE!!!

Kawasaki: Don't listen to him! Sugar sucks! Get yer oriental food! Ramen noodles, sushi, PIE!!!

Mario: Wood. Eat wood here.

Peach: I like wood.

Mario: Free wood for person.

Yoshi: No give free wood. You pay wood.

Mario: But nice girl like wood.

Yoshi: Brain fucked up in girl. She pay wood.

Mario: You watch wood. I go with her.

Yoshi: Oh kay.

Mario went with Peach over to the archery club's exhibit. Some local band was giving a half-assed cover of Green Day's "Longview".

Peach: Wow. I never knew someone could mess such a great song up.

Mario: Yeah, the parents aren't even bothering to cover the kid's ears.

The band was cut short by a sign from Chuck Norris. Everyone said a Hail Mary before the exhibit started up again.

Saria: All right, everyone! This is the archery club's exhibit, but we're about to make the WHOLE FUCKING FESTIVAL ours!!!

Parents: Watch the childrens!

Saria: Oh, shit. Sorry. Anyway, we're about to show off the archery club's three great treasures: the Legendary Arrows! First, our newest member, the Kind… uh, um…

Jules Winnfield will demonstrate the first arrow: the Fire—

Jules: I ain't gonna fire no mothafuckin' arrow!

Saria: Fine, I'll do it.

Saria aimed at a target and fired the arrow. The target caught on fire.

Saria: Now, Falco will—

Falco: Sorry, I'm a little busy right now!

Saria: Fine, I'll do the second one too.

Saria fired a second arrow. The flames froze over.

Saria: And while I'm at it, I'll fire the last arrow, too.

Saria fired the final arrow. The whole damn thing shattered.

Saria: Okay, now fuck off. We've got milk over… there…

Saria was hesitating because she happened to notice Kenny Rogers and a few friends trying to drink all the milk… and throwing up in the process.

Kenny Rogers: I was raised on the dairy, BITCH!

Saria: Um. No milk. If your kids want milk… too bad.

Mario ran up to the stage for fun and profit.

Mario: FUCK THE WORLD! ANARCHY RULES!!!

Bowser jumped on the stage for pummeling and profit.

Bowser: Mario!

Mario: Oh shit.

Bowser: I swear to fucking God in heaven, If you ever touch that fucking girl again, I will fuckin' kill you!

Parents: Profanities!

Malon climbed up on the stage for love and profit.

Malon: Hey, you!

Mario: Yes?

Malon: No, the ugly one!

Mario: Yes again?

Malon: No, the one with the spikes 'n' all!

Bowser: Yeah?

Malon: Holy Shit! It was true!

Bowser: What, what is it?

Malon: Ya see this pendant? It has your face on it.

Bowser: Whoa. Where'd you get it?

Malon: My parents gave it to me when they were high. They told me it had the face of my future lover on it. But then they thought they could fly and jumped out the window. But, through some complicated story involving Counter-Strike and sex, I've met you!

Bowser: Well, I guess you're with me now.

Malon: Yeah, sure, but you'd better be good in bed…

Bowser: Oh, god…

Mario climbed off the stage as Luigi walked over to him.

Luigi: Well, that trip to the grunge rock stand really got me woken up!

Mario: Ah, Luigi, someday, someone will share your grunge fantasies.

Kirk: Wow. That's, got, to, hurt, hearing, that.

Luigi: You should have seen him say it to Kurt Cobain. Ya know, took a shotgun…

Kirk: Anyway, Luigi. I've, come, to, tell, you, that—

I'll do the talking, sir.

All three guys turned around to see a sexy looking girl standing behind them. She introduced herself.

Samus: Samus Aran, second-in-command of the space club and professional hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold.

Mario: What happened to Spock?

Samus: Died of a drug overdose while having a heart attack and fell off a balcony onto an exploding car bomb, and broke his neck.

Mario: Wow…

Samus: So I took over!

Luigi: Well, what do you want?

Samus: I came for a Luigi. It seems he has to pilot the homebuilt space ship we made.

Mario: What, that flying deathtrap?

Samus: We actually got some help from Professor Bennett, so we're in pretty good shape. So, who's Luigi?

Luigi: Um, Mario is.

Mario: What? No, you're Luigi!

Samus: Ugh, my brain! Look, just come on, red guy!

Mario: But I—

Samus: Shut up!

**SCENE THREE**

**Mario In SPACE!!! The Homemade Pile Of Shit Actually Flies!**

At the space club's stand, there were relatively few people.

Mario: Hey, where's that weird childrens guy?

Samus: Um… Spock landed on him.

Mario: Hey, are you a homicidal maniac?

Samus: No! Well… not often…

Samus led Mario around the back to the loading area. There, they found Prof. Walter Bennett and Dr. Stewart engaged in an argument about the paint job.

Stewart: I say it should be pink with little bunnies on it!

Bennett: Christ, Stewart, it doesn't have to be one color and a whole bunch of smaller pictures! Why don't we just paint it blue?

Stewart: …with little chickens on it?

Bennett: No! No animals, characters, or--

Stewart: How about black with little Black Mesa symbols on it?

Bennett: Now you're talking! Let's get to work!

Stewart: Actually, I think it's a bit late to paint it. I mean, it'll just drip off in takeoff, right?

Bennett: Oh dear, you're right. Well, let's just leave it. Okay, now then, Mr. Red Hat, get in.

Mario: I never agreed about this.

Samus walked out to the stage.

Samus: Alright, ladies and gentlemen!

Man: Actually, I'm not gentle. In fact, I'm a rapist.

Samus: Well, who gives a fuck?! Welcome to the space club's stand! This is where we launch the homemade rocket we built!

Postal Dude: What the fuck?

Samus: So, I'll be startin' the countdown now.

Samus pressed a button. A countdown started.

10

Postal Dude: Oh shit, this'll be great, he's gonna fry!

9

Falco: Ya know, Fox, I think it's nice that the countdown waits patiently until we've stopped talking to continue.

Fox: Yeah, I know.

… Oh, are they done? Shit… 8… fuck it…

Stewart: Goodbye, my friend, I knew thee well…

7

Bennett: You know, Stewart, we should probably get out of here before we're fried to a crisp by the heat.

Stewart: No worries. I designed this craft to have the special "No Burn" method seen in

"Curious George Goes to the Moon"

Bennett: But I designed this craft! And I didn't put that in!

Stewart: Oh… We'd better go then…

6

Luigi: God, Mario, if you don't come down dead, you'll be in trouble…

5

Shooter 1: What the fuck, man? The bombs didn't go off!

Shooter 2: Oh shit, I forgot to wire them right!

Shooter 1: What the fuck, man!

Shooter 2: Well, I guess we're going in on foot.

Postal Dude: Hey, what are you… oh…

4

Yoshi: Mario need live. Wood need giver-outer.

3

Nameless Faceless Character: Why hasn't anybody gotten rid of my body?

2

Bowser: I hate you.

1

Captain Falcon: I'M HERE, CHILDREN!!!

FIRE!!!

The ship took off, and Captain Falcon was burned to a crisp.

Bennett: Yes, that's it, Red Guy!

Mario: Um, my name's Mario, and I never got in.

Bennett: Oh… well, that's a bad sign…

Kleiner: Hey, Bennett! Stop this doppelganger nonsense!

Bennett: What?! You stole my look!

(Author's Note: The whole Bennett/Kleiner confusion is because in Half-Life, One particular scientist model was referred to as Walter Bennett, but that same character appeared in Half-Life 2 with the moniker Isaac Kleiner. Dass all.)

Man: Oh shit! The ship's gonna crash!

Saria: Don't worry! The archery club will save us all! Guys, redeem yourselves!

Link: Fire Arrow!

Saria: Yes it is, Link.

Link: But I have to tell everyone what it is before—

Saria: It's a burning arrow. I think they'll know what it is.

Link: Well, it's too late now. The ship's too close.

At that moment, Jules pulled a pistol out of his jacket.

Jules: DIE MOTHAFUCKA!!!

Jules fired, hit the gas tank, and blew the ship up.

Mario: At least there were few people here. Otherwise, the shrapnel--

Shooter 1: DEATH TO THE JOCKS!!!

Teh End

**PREVIEW**

**The Principal has been kidnapped by terrorists. What more do you want?**

**NOTE: The author is not responsible for any offense or desensitization to violence that may occur from the use of this story.**


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